I can’t help but think about it. The contemplation of missing out on what I know and where it’s going, while I lead the way. It’s the comfort that holds onto me, knowing damn well that I’m lazy enough to crave comfort but anxious enough to itch for spontaneity.
I wouldn’t leave if the opportunity hadn’t presented itself. I would have still been content where I was – where I am, and that would be that. I’m good at what I do, and I know it. Sure, the monotony of being so good aches at my heartstrings and I know that my attention span and interest can only last so long. But, here I am presented with the opportunity to leap off from the deep end. Into a universe of dark stars and skies, into something bright, new and exciting. All that I crave for, at the tip of my fingers. Exactly what I want, a pen stroke away.
So why can’t I help feeling remorse? This, eery regret? Is it unfinished business that really isn’t my business holding me down to other’s needs and expectations? What about me? What about Rayyan? What does she want?
She wants to be selfish. She wants to immerse herself in the world so deeply that the cosmos soak up in her aura and leave an imprint in all that nature has time to teach her. She doesn’t want to stay rooted in something that doesn’t directly benefit her and feed her soul.
But what does it all mean?
I don’t know. I wish I did. But I don’t.
And that’s the hard part.
I don’t know what I want, but I know what I love. And I love myself enough to trust my instincts and intuition. For the first time, I’m taking a risk. A big one. And you know what they say: high risk, high reward.
And I’ll miss what I do. I’ll miss what I’ve done. I’ll miss those I’ve interacted with and created bonds. But. None of that is changing, essentially. I’ll be doing the same thing as I’ve done, and still eventually interacting with those some bonds I’ve created. Just, on the other side of the window.
Which is okay. I have to learn on my own to understand what I’m here for and what will satisfy me. Twenty four years isn’t enough to completely understand the world and how it works so why am I trying to? Fall, get up. Make mistakes, learn. Fuck up, accept it.
I am exactly where I’m supposed to be and if I don’t know where I’m going, any path will get me there.